drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
