It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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