Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
