Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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