and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just gargled with NyQuil
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
