I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
