yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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