I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
