Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
