Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
