Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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