Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
