so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize