a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
