does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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