a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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