oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize