so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
