ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
