how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
