Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
