So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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