I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
