Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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