Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
