I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
