There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
