Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
