I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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