Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
it glows. i had to have it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
