Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize