A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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