Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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