I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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