we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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