I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
