2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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