did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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