I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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