just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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