Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
And then he peed in my hair
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