When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
