I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
