If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
