I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
