At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
