Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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