3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
