i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
