matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
