once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
