i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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