So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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