I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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