I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am midnight drunk by noon
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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