then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize