I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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